My First Day As Pope
By Mahons On February 18th, 2013(My first Speech delivered from the balcony to the faithful below in St. Peter’s Square)
Is this thing on…check one…check two…Ok, great. I want to first express my humble thoughts at having been elected Pope, The Bishop of Rome, and the heir to St. Peter. I never thought that I, not a clergy member and a married father of three could become the Pontiff, but miracles do happen. I suppose I had a chance ever since the Vatican scholars announced last week that there had been a Latin mistranslation all these centuries and that priests needed to celebrate (not be celibate). Quite a few of our priests, Bishops and Cardinals are still of course in shock. Abstaining from sex (with adult women) was something they had thought they were required to do, and it won’t be easy for a lot of them to get back into the singles scene. ”Hey baby, what’s your sign of the cross?” and “Pray here often?” are not exactly great opening lines, but I am sure they’ll adapt.
I know a lot of you are wondering, Your Holiness, you were elected three days ago by the papal conclave and still there is white smoke coming out of the Sistine Chapel, what gives? I must level with you my brothers and sisters. I have replaced the College of Cardinals with the College of Cannabis. You’ll be seeing a lot more white smoke and after all, isn’t that what college is really about?
I won’t stand on formality, my kids are calling me Holy Daddy so I suppose you’ll find me more a man of the people. My wife is redecorating the Lateran Palace. In fact she has given me a to do list for chores around Vatican City. First off like any good Irishwoman she wants things done her way, so mea culpa but she’s insisting the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs to be repainted. I suppose I never should have agreed to let her have Martha Stewart make suggestions. That Martha is a real witch, who does she think she is, the Pope? Maybe I can have her burned at the stake. I’ll have to read up on the limits of my ecclesiastical and temporal powers. Do you think they have that on Kindle?
I suppose I have started a few controversies already, like raising the urinals in the Vatican to keep the Cardinals on their toes, Canonizing Lennon and McCartney (come on, John Paul), and excommunicating Daniel O’Donnell. Maybe I have been having too much fun, but when in Rome if you know what I mean.
Despite the Popemobile, the Swiss Guards and the cool headgear this job can be a headache. Schism here, schism there. Antipopes and Avignon Papacies abound. And don’t get me started about misplacing my keys, which is bad enough when it is to the Honda, but have you ever misplaced the keys to the kingdom? Well it ain’t fun.
Anywho, I am doing away with the dogma of papal infallibility. I don’t think a Pope is infallible. And since I am Pope I must be right. So Bless you my brothers and sisters. And let me leave you with this shout out to our Jewish brothers and sisters. After all, Our Lord was a Jew. How do I know this? He went into his father’s business, he lived at home until he was almost 40, and his mother thought he was God.
So be patient with me. I am sure I’ll grow into the job.
Well you certainly get my white smoke Holy Father Mahons
You ought to consider Gaskin as your papal consigliere, that man can pick the wings off a gnat when he sets his fine mind to it.
I’d like to be in charge of the wine cellar and the nuns.
Daphne, do you think Chris could ever address mahons as “Your Holiness”?
mahons, I’m surprised your first papal act was not to turn the Fontana di Trevi, and indeed the Tiber, into wine.
I thought it was Pope Tony!
Nice one, Mahons. Enjoyable as always, and great to see original pieces on ATW that go over two paragraphs!
Noel – My motto is don’t fix if it is not Baroque so I suppose I should attend to the conversion of the Fontana di Trevi as soon as possible.
Will Pope Mahons the first endorse rubber thingies? For the S word between people of not necessarily the same gender grouping? Or even for those of the same gender grouping? ie will you be a condom friendly Pope?
The anti-Pope no doubt!
Dogisgreat – The Catholic doctrine is that it is ok to wear condoms, just not during sex.
I will change that, and encourage their use during sex, especially with others.
As the new Pope I am ordaining women, allowing priests to marry, hiring a Trappist as my spokesman, banning Kumbia from performances at the Mass and opening a Casino in the Vatican (Black Jack and Bingo).
Congratulations on your rather rapid advancement.
My family have had limited exposure to popes but more than one might think. My mother got introduced to Pious XII whilst in Italy during the war. Her cousin, an army CoE padre, didn’t get an introduction but did get to an audience with …
He was relating this to an elderly RC neighbour in Donegal, who looked very confused and asked, “is there a Protestant Pope?”
Did I miss your name? Is it Pope Mahons? Pope Unpious?
There was a Facebook campaign for Father Dougal! I think you should find a role for him!
Thank you and bless you AIleen. The name is giving me some trouble. Pope Mahons is too close to Pogue Mahone, and the Irish Church has suffered enough already.
Pope Daddy ain’t bad. Pope Bono is already taken. Pope Onarope has some flavor. I am a working title at the moment.
You do know that you’ll have to move to Rome now.
Lots of luck trying to find the Yankees’ game on TV there.
I’ll miss the Yankees, but at least I’ll have the Padres, the Cardinals and the Angels.
!!!
“Lots of luck trying to find the Yankees’ game on TV there.”
I recall traipsing around Rome in the rain to find an Irish pub showing an Ireland world cup qualifier. On eventually finding one we found it was packed…with Americans watching Oklahoma v Texas in some sort of rugby-type showdown. The Irish expats were relegated to use of a small screen in a back room.
Anywho, I am doing away with the dogma of papal infallibility.
How would you propose the Dogmas of the Church be established instead? Text poll?
how about Pope Killigrew the first
Henry94 – Couldn’t I just make it up?
“I recall traipsing around Rome in the rain to find an Irish pub showing an Ireland world cup qualifier. On eventually finding one we found it was packed…with Americans watching Oklahoma v Texas in some sort of rugby-type showdown. The Irish expats were relegated to use of a small screen in a back room.”
I remember searching for a pub that was showing an Armagh V Tyrone championship replay. When I was directed to the “Irish Bar” not far from the Basilica Papale di Santa Maria Maggiore I discovered it full of English who were watching some stupid cricket match.
I asked the barmaid if she had a TV we could watch the Gaelic on and her response was “What’s Gaelic?”
Jesus Wept that day!
Y’know what. I was in Galway city last St. Patrick’s Day and it was very hard to find a pub showing the GAA club finals. Everywhere was showing the rugby, and that’s in Ireland!
That’s Galway City though Petr, bunch of yuppies if ever I saw them
lol I never thought of Galway people, either city or county, as yuppies to be honest!
Are you serious? The city is full of them, head down by the latin quarter and you can’t help but come across them. I have mates down there and was out one night in Kirwans and the amount of yuppies in the place was mental lol
“Jesus Wept that day!”
I should hope he did! Same happened me in Prague trying to find an Irish pub to watch the AI Final 2003 (not one you’ll remember fondly). We found one showing a 3rd division English soccer match. Eventually found a real one that showed the match.
Mahons, as Pope – and therefore with jurisdiction over Irish pubs – your first decree should be to sort out this apostasy.
Seems a bit judgemental to me. How do you identify a yuppy just by looking at them?!?
There are a lot of hippies in Galway and a decent crowd of very active left-wingers. It’s a great city.
“There are a lot of hippies in Galway and a decent crowd of very active left-wingers.”
Can’t see them for the stag parties!
how do you Identify a left-winger by looking at him.
I guess the hippies are all wearing peace signs and smoking pot….
Mourne — You’re probably right. I’ve not been there too often, but I think if you cross the river the stag parties are fewer!
I presume at least that after Benedict has become the Diet of Worms there will be no shortage of Papal Bull.
BTW, I hope you’re working on your response to Paisley when he duly denounces you; an Anticrist in Rome is bad enough, but an Irish one with a love for the liquor…
“Dogisgreat – The Catholic doctrine is that it is ok to wear condoms, just not during sex. ”
I like that! The idea of fellas walking around with their trousers unzippered and a condom flapping in the wind would be most entertaining.
Mahons shows his literary talent once more, but even I as an English Protestant hesitate to poke fun at the office of the Pope. I leave that to you disillusioned Catholics..
If Mahons becomes Pope does that mean the rest of us ATW regulars become Cardinals, except our females of course. They will just have to fight it out amongst themselves for the role of Lucresia Borgia
?
My fabulous comments went missing. So did Seamus’.
I think there is something wrong with ATW tonight. For a while each time I tried to click on it on I kept being redirected to some wordpress login site.
Me too, Colm. I had inebriated nuns, hookahs and bloody coups in mine.
David should beat wordpress with a brick bat.
Not to derail the thread (okay, maybe I am) but have any of you noticed the bizarre filibuster of Hagel? I don’t think this will end well for the rigtwing neocon faction.
I was thinking I had commented on this thread.
This papal name thing is of grave concern. How about Pope Onarope the first? Pepe le Pope? If your into history…Alexander Pope? Pope Gozdaweezall? The artist formerly known as De Pope?
Even better break with stuffy tradition and just be known as Bob…it’s short catchy and very matey. I’d like to be introduced to His Holiness…Bob. You could even shorten it to Bob Holness. Though that might have been done.
TTFN Bob.