(My first Speech delivered from the balcony to the faithful below in St. Peter’s Square)
Is this thing on…check one…check two…Ok, great. I want to first express my humble thoughts at having been elected Pope, The Bishop of Rome, and the heir to St. Peter. I never thought that I, not a clergy member and a married father of three could become the Pontiff, but miracles do happen. I suppose I had a chance ever since the Vatican scholars announced last week that there had been a Latin mistranslation all these centuries and that priests needed to celebrate (not be celibate). Quite a few of our priests, Bishops and Cardinals are still of course in shock. Abstaining from sex (with adult women) was something they had thought they were required to do, and it won’t be easy for a lot of them to get back into the singles scene. ”Hey baby, what’s your sign of the cross?” and “Pray here often?” are not exactly great opening lines, but I am sure they’ll adapt.
I know a lot of you are wondering, Your Holiness, you were elected three days ago by the papal conclave and still there is white smoke coming out of the Sistine Chapel, what gives? I must level with you my brothers and sisters. I have replaced the College of Cardinals with the College of Cannabis. You’ll be seeing a lot more white smoke and after all, isn’t that what college is really about?
I won’t stand on formality, my kids are calling me Holy Daddy so I suppose you’ll find me more a man of the people. My wife is redecorating the Lateran Palace. In fact she has given me a to do list for chores around Vatican City. First off like any good Irishwoman she wants things done her way, so mea culpa but she’s insisting the Ceiling of the Sistine Chapel needs to be repainted. I suppose I never should have agreed to let her have Martha Stewart make suggestions. That Martha is a real witch, who does she think she is, the Pope? Maybe I can have her burned at the stake. I’ll have to read up on the limits of my ecclesiastical and temporal powers. Do you think they have that on Kindle?
I suppose I have started a few controversies already, like raising the urinals in the Vatican to keep the Cardinals on their toes, Canonizing Lennon and McCartney (come on, John Paul), and excommunicating Daniel O’Donnell. Maybe I have been having too much fun, but when in Rome if you know what I mean.
Despite the Popemobile, the Swiss Guards and the cool headgear this job can be a headache. Schism here, schism there. Antipopes and Avignon Papacies abound. And don’t get me started about misplacing my keys, which is bad enough when it is to the Honda, but have you ever misplaced the keys to the kingdom? Well it ain’t fun.
Anywho, I am doing away with the dogma of papal infallibility. I don’t think a Pope is infallible. And since I am Pope I must be right. So Bless you my brothers and sisters. And let me leave you with this shout out to our Jewish brothers and sisters. After all, Our Lord was a Jew. How do I know this? He went into his father’s business, he lived at home until he was almost 40, and his mother thought he was God.
So be patient with me. I am sure I’ll grow into the job.