I received this morning, from my wife’s American-based relatives, yet another in the revolting yearly stream of Family Round Robins. Now personally I think the world of my wife’s relatives, as they are a really nice bunch of people, but I tend to draw the line at such treacly lines such as
“All are doing well in school at their own levels. XXXX is in gifted classes for math and is a great soccer player. ZZZZZ is also doing very well and plays baseball and saxophone. BBBBBB is the organizer and mother of the group; HHHHH loves singing, acting and piano; RRRRRR is an awesome gymnast and wants to be an Olympian; KKKKK is very sweet and marches to the beat of her own drum, and WWWWWW is very articulate and thinks she can do everything the others can do, and often she can, including saying the Pledge of Allegiance!”
So I thought I’d generate my own version of a typical British Family ’round robin’, but this time tinged with a little reality!
Hi all! Here we are again, celebrating yet another year of achievement in the wider Buggins family.
2008 has indeed been good to the Buggins’s. Tracey got pregnant again, which at the age of thirteen got her into the local newspapers; everyone agreed that her pictures didn’t do her justice, as they all concentrated on the forty-five tattoos on her thighs and stomach, enlarged as they were by her pregnancy. Tracey sez that they all asked her about the seventy-two different body piercings that she’d spent all that benefit money on, but instead they all concentrated on the tattoos.
Dad Buggins had a nasty shock in June this year, as he was filmed carrying four concrete blocks up a ladder on a building site. The shock was because the filming was done by a team from the Department of Work & Pensions, and as he was claiming the full rate of Disability Living allowance as he had stated that he couldn’t walk further than the garden gate, it was a little difficult. His brief at the Tribunal came up trumps however, and proved that the video was inadmissible as evidence because it had been out of the custody chain for two minutes and thirty-five seconds, and as he said, who knew what could have happened to the video during that time? The barrister brief was very helpful not only to Dad Buggins, but also to the other family members who had been in bother. He really was worth every penny of the twelve thousand pounds paid to him by the Legal Aid people!
Young Kevin was released from the Young Offenders Institute after serving the full term he had been (fitted up) sentenced to, after his run-in with that crippled gay bloke. The trial was a farce, as he had to stand up along with the seven other members of his gang youth club, none of whom were under six foot tall, and then the jury all watched as the crippled bloke was pushed past them in his specially-adapted wheelchair to the witness box. One of the reporters said it was dead unfair, especially as it showed the crippled gay bloke only had one leg to begin with!
Wayne, Kevin’s younger brother, who should have also been in the Offender’s Institute but wasn’t, mainly because he lied under oath on the stand, has been given a Grant of about thirty-five pounds a week to continue going to school until he’s eighteen years old. He’s a little puzzled about how he qualified, mainly because he can nether read nor write, but since it’s easy money, he ain’t complaining!
The court case against me and Dad regarding our so-called dangerous dogs harassing and attacking postmen and other people on the pavement is still on-going, but Dad and I have high hopes of a complete acquittal, as we’ve been able to speak to five of the six witnesses, and now it seems no-one wants to testify against us. Our four Dobermanns and three Rottweilers are still chained up for now, like the police demanded, but the barrister who spoke for Dad also said that some of the evidence against us is also probably contaminated, as none of the people who landed up in hospital can positively identify which of the seven dogs actually savaged the parts of their bodies which were removed in hospital!
Sharon, that’s Kevin’s third girlfriend had problems of her own as her baby has started crawling, and maybe it was a little unfortunate that the kid knocked over the jar holding all that cocaine, but the specialist reckons she’ll be out of hospital in about fourteen weeks; but there’ll be brain damage after she swallowed about four ounces of cocaine. Kevin’s promising to have a word with the Quigley’s son, who supplied the coke to Sharon, mainly on the grounds that the Quigleys always promised to make sure that all the coke was diluted to less than ten per cent purity, in order to maximise profits, and what were they thinking about selling ten ounces pure to someone who couldn’t afford it in the first place!
We struck lucky with the credit crunch, as this outfit that we bought all that flash furniture from at the beginning of the year has gone into liquidation, and Dad Buggins said it wasn’t half unfortunate that the computer files which held all the debtor files somehow got wiped in a burglary some three days before they declared bankruptcy. The manager swears that he’ll get even but we know it’s all just talk.
Hope all goes well with you, and with luck we’ll see you all in Torremolinas next year at the apartment block which Dad says no one will ever really find out who owns it, what with all the shell companies’ names on the mortgage documents!