I have spent the last few months thinking I was dying, yes we are all dying a little everyday. Over the last 4 months I’ve lost 36 pounds, and no I have not been on the grapefruit diet, or taking speed.
I didn’t know what was wrong. I have had no more pain than usual, no unexplained bleeding, no symptom that stood out. It started when I stopped drinking soda. I do this occasionally and it’s good for dropping 10-15lbs. However I kept losing weight. Both my father and grandfather died of colon cancer, my father was 47. Needless to say I go for the fun tests every two years. Even though I did these tests last year I immediately had them all run again. No cancer was found in every test, and I had a lot of tests.
What is happening is I am starving to death. It seems I have Achalasia.
Achalasia is a rare disorder that makes it difficult for food and liquid to pass into your stomach. Achalasia occurs when the food tube (esophagus) loses the ability to squeeze food down, and the muscular valve between the esophagus and stomach doesn’t fully relax. The reason for these problems is damage to the nerves in the esophagus. There’s no cure, but achalasia symptoms can usually be managed with minimally invasive (endoscopic) therapy or surgery.
Well I have had the surgery, we shall see what happens.
During the last few months, besides arguing with you, I have been arguing with both Angels and Demons. Unlike some of you I believe in god. If you believe in god consequently you must also believe in angels and demons. The existence of such creatures is alien to most, even believers. I happen to believe in both because I have encountered both, now scoff if you must. I have no problem as you all know at being scoffed at. It happens here daily.
My duty to my fellow man requires me to do service, it is also part of my faith. I have given that service in the form of time. Time spent working with those that suffer from addiction. If you spend enough time with addicts (30 years) you will acquire a belief of both demons and angels. You will bear witness to the influence of both. You can see the damage and healing that these creatures can do. Here is how I heard the battle framed, God and Satan made a bet for the Earth, whoever gets the most souls wins. No direct contact with humans only influence, they call it balance. Demons stay in Hell and Angels stay in Heaven. The Great Detente of the Original Superpowers. Mankind are the players in their Sport. Both sides can coach, they just can’t play themselves. Those lines are from a movie one that has nothing to do with any of this they do however fit, these influences are played out on every level of humanity. They are just easier to see taking place with addicts. They can happen right before your eyes.
If you witness the way addicts either live or die depending on their reactions to who is whispering to them, you quickly learn to accept the existence of these influences. You will see damnation and salvation and all doubt is removed. That is why my belief is unshakable. The problem is you take someone that believes on a level that I do, you present them with the possibility that their time is up. Imagine the things that would go through your head.
Needless to say I have spent the last I’d say 2 months arguing with both demon and angel the value of my life. It is a rhetorical battle, the decision of where your soul goes has been made by the choices you have made throughout your life. The argument is to find peace with that final judgement. Arguing with demons and angels never gets you anywhere you never win with either side. The argument is with yourself they are just your audience. The last thing you do is barter with them, no matter which side you barter with you get screwed.
It has been an interesting argument for me, I have found myself wanting in more areas than not. It’s hard to judge yourself, I don’t think anyone can judge themselves worthy. If they do they are either not being honest, or critical enough. I am glad I am not my own final judge. Now the format of my trying to accept my mortality is mine, not yours. Someday we all face our own mortality, how will you review your own life? How or will you make peace with yourself. Viewing the victories and failures of your own life honestly with yourself is not as easy as you think. It is something you can ask no other mortal to do with you. You can consult your Priest or your best friend, but only with yourself can you reach satisfaction or not.
It has been a hard couple of months, hopefully it will be a hard many more years. Maybe I can tip the scales a little more in my favor.
My Friday night music pick not the best version, but the version by the writer.