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Pie and, er, Mash; anyone?

By Mike Cunningham On August 29th, 2012

This site is supposed to be so over-the-top that it is naturally hilarious, but when the Daily Mash posts on modern politics, it seems as though reality beats satire every time!

RADICAL boundary changes by the Conservative party will make it mathematically impossible for Labour to win an election, it has emerged.

Under David Cameron’s proposed new constituency boundaries, Up North – which includes traditional Labour strongholds Manchester, Liverpool and Newcastle – will elect a single MP.

Meanwhile David Cameron’s home town of Chipping Norton would be split into 27 constituencies, three of them representing areas of Cameron’s house.

Cameron said: “The needs of my bathroom are very different to those of my kitchen or spare room, and I am delighted our electoral system will now recognise those differences.

“Northerners however all share the common life goals of having sex in car parks and acquiring fried meat in cardboard buckets, so there is less need for detailed administration in their foggy, marsh-like region.”

The Prime Minister has promised that the 2015 election will be a more spectacular affair, with polling stations moving from primary schools to more impressive locations such as golf clubs and opera houses.

He also plans to introduce a ‘two names two votes’ policy under which anyone with a double-barrelled surname may legally vote twice.

The logistics of the election would also change, with responsibility for the ballot passing to private firm Optimum Democracy.

An Optimum spokesman explained:  “Voters can buy the Premium Ballot Paper, which will list all the candidates, or stick with the Free and Easy option, which will only show the party that won the previous election.”

“The ballot will also be the greenest ever, with any unused votes being recycled and sold off to the highest bidder.”

2 Responses to “Pie and, er, Mash; anyone?”

  1. You forgot the new electoral rule that automatically allocates 50 seats and 10 cabinet places to members of the Bullingdon club – no need to engage in the hassle of drubbing for votes amongst the plebs.

  2. I know a funnier joke than that.

    What have Comrade Bob Crow – big Union cheese and thorn in the flesh of the commuting public and Frank Dobson (ex?) Labour MP and former Minister got in common.

    Is it a penchant for left wing politics?

    Is it that Crow (being a common man of the people) gets paid £134,000 a year? No because an MP like Dobbo only gets paid a ‘modest’ £65K a year (plus his outside earnings for speaking / appearances etc -probably makes a £100K a year). Though he was on more than Crow as a Minister.

    No it’s not their egregious troughing….give up?
    Is it an over weening sense of entitlement? Maybe.

    Actually It’s this.

    Despite earning multiples of the average take UK home salary…they both…wait for it.

    Live in a council House…social housing if you will. Dobbo’s is worth over £1m in fact.

    Rent Subsidised by people much poorer than they are.

    In fact given that in their area’s there are poorer people actually homeless…one wonders how they sleep at night.

    Me I’d boot them out of their social housing and tell them to sling their hook.

    Before we concrete over the country to build more homes for the poor…lets make better use of the ones we already have.