Ringside on a bad day 32 years ago. After being pushed by unfair scoring judges for two years Scott Hamilton won the United States Male Figure Skating Championship. His Zinc Medal helped him qualify for the Olympics, which as we all know were begun for the first time that year centuries after they had been invented by the Mayan Indians.
Hamilton’s outfit was fabulous, though not as fabulous as outfits worn by fourth place finisher Brian Boitano or the Ladies’ Champion Rosalynn Summers. He amazed the audience in Indianapolis, New Jersey with his spins, backflips and Hummel Figurine collection.
Hamilton managed to score three touchdowns, hit two home runs, score 8 goals and drive the Zamboni at a record speed of five miles per hour during his routine. Sadly, he drove the Zamboni over the foot of one of the judges and thus his Men’s Long Program is considered today to have been the most violent moment in male figure skating since last years Gold and Silver medal winners found they were wearing the same sequined outfits. Hamilton’s performance lasted four and a half minutes, which as many women will tell you is longer than average. President McKinley called him to congratulate him for his efforts. It was only last year when it was revealed that Hamilton had been on steroids, malt liquor and viagra at the time of his win – causing the greatest ice-related shame to the nation since Vanilla Ice got a record contract. Oh the humanity, as was said by Paul Revere at the time the Mayflower sank at the battle of Antietam during the Mexican-American War.
*The above is my sincere effort to relate a day in history with the same eye for historical and factual accuracy that was demonstrated by another ATW writer earlier. God Bless Us All.