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NEVER HEARD ANYTHING SO PATHETIC

By Pete Moore On April 9th, 2021

Dog owners will be relieved to hear that the Home Secretary has responded to public pressure and launched a dog theft government team to battle the rising number of stolen pets.

The UK is enriched by a spike in dog thefts now. Demand for dogs during lockdown has seen prices rise. Dodgy types, the usual suspects, are helping to meet demand by stealing dogs. The Home Secretary has decided that a “dog theft government team” is just the ticket. Patel’s not even pretending to do anything now. Again, if only the useless Tories had a thumping great majority with which to make a meaningful change.

Life without parole.

Dog lovers know how special they are. They know that dogs are fully a part of the family, and they know the heartache and misery of losing a dog. I would impose a tariff of life without parole – minimum – for anyone convicted of stealing a dog. There’s not much worse that someone can do in my book. The crime marks the culprit out as not worthy of civilised society, so out you go for good. And that would be just the start of what I’d do to the filth.

3 Responses to “NEVER HEARD ANYTHING SO PATHETIC”

  1. There is a tech solution to dog theft which would also solve the dog-fouling problem. All dogs should have their DNA registered along with the dog owner with a £1,000 fine for failure to register. The dog wardens would then collect samples of dog shit which would be analysed for DNA and traced to the owner with suitable punitive fines and three-strikes super penalties. When a new owner registers a stolen dog the thief is detected automatically and the new owner would be in the frame. Dog thefts would diminish rapidly because new owners would demand evidence that the dog is not stolen.

  2. I’ve heard the like suggested though I’m not sure of the practicalities or the humanity. The little old lady who loves her Scotty’s company but can’t afford the chip would be rather put put.

  3. It could easily be funded by a dog registration fee of £100. Given that people are paying well over £1,000 for miniature Yorkies and the like, a £100 fee would be reasonable. Even a standard Jack Russell (yes, I know there’s no such thing) will set you back £500.