22 2 mins 7 yrs

I hereby declare my Candidacy for the Office of the Presidency of the United States.

Some here will doubt my chances, thinking no doubt how difficult it is for a middle-aged guy to achieve an election.  But I think I have as good a chance as many of the other candidates, some of whom are tainted by goverment experience and Canadianism.

My political platform is quite simple, I want a bigger house.  In addition, married to a woman of Irish culinary skills which involves a cooking style known as incineration, I would welcome a private chef.  Moreover, I always wanted my own bowling alley.

Where do I stand on the issues?  Who cares?  Your life isn’t changed by the man who is elected.  I refuse to pose with babies, Veterans or dolphins for campaign photographs.  I won’t mess with your television shows by giving televised speech ot campaign ads.  Frankly I have little respect for the voters and I want them to know it.  Look at the criminals, drunkards, fornicators, and imbeciles they have elected previously.  What do you expect?  Half the voters want a return to a past that has never been.  The other half want to be taken to a future that will never be.  Damn their eyes.

So vote for me.  I will make Fridays national holidays, declare war on sobriety, allow Alabama to leave the Union, and imprison the members of One Direction in Gitmo.  Otherwise, I plan on napping and leaving you all alone.

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22 thoughts on “I Announce My Candidacy For President

  1. Well done, mahons. This is a very moving moment.
    You’ve certainly got the Irish vote sewn up, althogh you’d better hurry up with a declaration of total support for Israel if you want to get anywhere.

    //Look at the criminals, drunkards, fornicators, and imbeciles they have elected previously//

    There has certainly been more than a fair share of criminals, fornicators and imbeciles in the White House. But who were the drunkards?

  2. Shelly Adelson wants you in his office tomorrow morning to vet your opinions on countries other than the US.

  3. How difficult it is for a middle-aged guy to achieve an election

    Wow, such refreshing honesty from a politician, and speaking from personal experience too……´;-)

  4. >> Shelly Adelson wants you in his office tomorrow morning to vet your opinions on a country (edit) other than the US.

    Well said Phantom.

  5. Otherwise, I plan on napping and leaving you all alone.

    Those crazy libertarians.

    Have we all voted out there? Jolly good, I’m sure everything will get better from tonight.

    Of course I haven’t voted, but came home to find that the village hall is a polling station and a horde of Tory drones have blocked the lane, such is their eagerness to increase the incumbant’s margin above 20,000.

    Even when I abstain politics gets in the way.

  6. “But who were the drunkards?”

    I read that Ulysses S Grant was partial to a drop. As well as to money in vast amounts, the vaster the better.

  7. John Adams was a big cider drinker; it’s how he began his mornings. He liked his rum and madeira too; it’s one reason he was so cantankerous while in Philly…the booze wasn’t to his liking.
    And Franklin Pierce said something like “What’s left to do but get drunk” on preparing to leave the White House after the Dems decided they wouldn’t support him for a second term.

  8. Warren Harding was the example of presidential sloth.

    The greatest depression in US history hit (all the stats for 1921 have never been bettered, or worsened if you like), Harding won the election, and he spent all his time playing poker in the White House.

    Within a year the economy had righted itself.

    This prompted Hoover to vow that in the same position he would do everything possible to “save” the economy, which alas he did. The result was the Great Depression.

  9. mairin2 –

    Franklin Pierce sounds like a wise man. Sometimes a man has to admit defeat and get blotto.

  10. HL Menken was in his club when a messenger arrived to announce that President Harding had died.

    “How can they tell?” he asked.

  11. Remember when Bush got drunk and hit his head or something like that and they said he choked on a pretzel? Maybe he did, maybe he didn’t…it was still pretty funny and reminiscent of when Bush Sr fell into his dinner plate in Japan and barfed all over the place but that was a medical condition; wasn’t it?…well, that’s how I remember it anyway. I kind of like ‘Bush the younger’ now that he’s not president. He kind of reminds of comedian Norm Macdonald with that ‘I ate the canary’ grin on his face all the time.
    I won’t fault Pierce, Pete…a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

  12. //Bush got drunk and hit his head or something like that and they said he choked on a pretzel//

    It has been said that it was that experience that unhinged his mind.

    Yet despite this evident brain injury he was reelected president several years later.

  13. If Mahons becomes President, he’s got to have Patty for First Lady. You know the 2 of them were made for each other. 🙂

  14. Not bad Troll, how about yourself?

    Still as crazy as ever?

    Are you ready for President Hillary Clinton – almost a certainty .

    I am not voting for her though – hoping Jim Webb runs –

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